Heartache.

Have you ever had your heart broken?  I mean, to a point that physically hurts.  It's painful.  It's awful.  It's gut wrenching grossness.

To be honest, I don't remember my heart ever hurting this bad before.  I have been in relationships before, I have been engaged before, yet nothing to my memory has hurt like this.  I have never spent an entire day crying, or broken down at the grocery store when the saleslady unknowingly asked, "How have you been?". I bawled in a grocery store.  First time for everything, I guess.

Funny thing is, through all this pain and heartache, I learned I have the most amazing friends.  I have received countless text messages and calls, all offering everything from coffee, to a wine night, to prayers.  You all know who you are, and please know that I love you all with all my heart.  You are my support system, and for that I am more thankful than words can ever explain.  And thank you for the Bible verses, by the way.  You know who you are.  :-)

These past twenty-four hours have also made me question a lot.  I have questioned myself, my choices in relationships, my insecurities, my ability to be alone, and my life in general.  I have looked back at the past and thought about all of the things I could have done different, that I wish I could go back and change.  However, tonight I realize that without all of this crap I have been through, or the "speed bumps of life" I have encountered, I would not be who I am today.  Though I am not perfect, God has molded me through all of this heartache.  He has never left my side, He has never abandoned me.  Though the man I truly love may be leaving me and moving out, God has and will never do so.  I'm stuck with Him.  :-)

Though this post may have been a rambling affair, it has allowed me to get a lot off of my chest.  I will never speak a bad word about the man who is leaving my life.  I care about him.  It hurts.  I just want him to be happy.  And I want to be happy.  So, if this heartache results in that for both of us, then it is a blessing.  If not, we will both survive...and I will always have my joy in Christ.  :-)

Have a great evening, y'all.  :-)